The dating dictionary

as much as i try to write only original stuff, i must post this..

ATTRACTION

The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

DATING

The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY

A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT

A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND

A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE

A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

IRRITATING HABIT

What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY

How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet.

NYMPHOMANIAC

A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER:

A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

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Surviving life as a boarder(part 5)

Am sure u are wondering, where did I take my weekends? Or it is just that nowadays weeks are five days long? Weekends are usually the times one takes a break from the campus. I used to go home once in two weeks, when my parents still used to live in the vicinity of the city in the sun. Now they live here.

Instead of many varying stories, let me just say what cut down some other weekend. Friday afternoon, the lecturer cancelled the class because apparently he had a meeting. Five minutes before that, a classmate, enmr, had seen him getting into the staff cafeteria…. And we all realized he probably had a date and was giving us a flimsy excuse, talk of reversed roles! Who schedules meetings on Friday afternoon? At the staff cafeteria? In any case, most meetings are announced ahead of the meeting date. Anyway, everyone was happy the class was cancelled, Friday afternoon is not the best time to learn.

I headed to town for some meeting, an online campusvybe magazine, of which am supposed to be the jkuat correspondent. With African timing and all that, the meeting which was supposed to end around 4.30 ended up at 6pm. That was not so bad except I was to meet some pals of mine in tao, (they were coming over for a sleepover) at 4, and I kept calling them every 30 minutes saying am on the way.

In this July weather, it can rain any time and that evening was not an exception. We were almost drenched as we dashed across the rain to get into a mat to Juja. Around 8.30pm, we had arrived, and since it was dark, we couldn’t walk and took boda bodas. Them, never having had the experience of the delicate act of balancing on them bicycles, could be heard screaming bump over bump. Just as we are about to reach the hostels, the whole place is suddenly engulfed in darkness. Eclipse like darkness, except Juja lights are like that. They disappear at the most inconvenient times. Like Friday nights.

So drenched we went to my room to change. Luckily, all my roommates had left for some action or other over the weekend. Cold suppers later (damn Juja electricity.. I never knew a place could have so many blackouts till I came to campus. They(kplc) blame it one transformer thieves. I had never heard of those before either.), so as I was telling, cold suppers later, we went to a friend’s room armed with Alvaros and some bottles of firepower which later sent us to Saturday morning. The lights came back around 11 pm, and Vee, being the only sober person around, was the DJ. She was taking her own requests, which ranged from rock to westlife…

In the morning, Vee and Angel, were there exclaiming, “gosh, we have never slept in a boy’s hostel before! ..” apparently, huko over at Daystar, boys are not allowed to enter the girls’ hostels and vice versa, let alone sleepover. Technically, it is not allowed here, but as I said earlier, rules get broken….

So at noon we are having breakfast cum lunch, and Vee offers to prepare the eggs.
When I get back a while later, the conversation goes like this:

“ Hey, Vee, where are the eggs? I thought I could hear them smell…”
(hear them smell is deliberate, A son of his mother..)

“They are on the plate..”

“Oh, this. I thought it was milk powder.”

“ That’s how I cook my eggs.”

“ Talk of thoroughly scrambled.”

Later, I took them on a walk around the campus, showing them the sights. Here is a photo we took. (p.s. we are in our weekend clothes..and besides it was cold..)

Still on the walk, we went to hall 7, which am sure was still under (or not yet) construction when akina Kip, Gitts and some ex-this-campuserians were around. The view to the field from the hall-7 3rd floor balcony is simply amazing, Kodak moments those were. There is the pond in the distance, which I like to call a lake; and am probably standing on the balcony of my hotel room looking out at the beautiful countryside.

When it was Angel’s turn (to take a photo), we noticed she was zoobing at something. Kumbe she’s noticed some engineering student at the studio, and even him he was busy smiling at her.. but by the time we left the balcony, he’d left the studio. One a spur of the moment, we decided (yes, we, some of these decisions are made collectively) to leave him a note. I can quote it since I was the author: “Lady in pink at the balcony taking foto. 07xx xxx xxx”, and wouldn’t you know it, he later called her. I hear the ka-onfone hook up is going well, so far so good.

For the first time this year, I decided to cook. I guess if I put my mind to it, I can actually cook tasty meals. I couldn’t let Vee handle the spaghetti, who knows, we could have ended up with ugali! This time, our drink was strictly water, as we watched a movie in the room. It was a nice girls’ night in, with me, Vee, Angel, Dannie and Cracker…. . the movie was Gone baby gone.. I can sincerely said there was not much to it, maybe coz Vee was thinking it was a football match and she was the commentator.

We had planned on a swimo but then the weather messed us up. So Sunday I had to bid them farewell with a promise that I’d be over once my exams were over. Turns out Vee decided to also blog, am not sure she has put up anything though. I had finally signed up on facebook that week (I must be the only person with internet access not to have signed up until last week..even now I still have little enthusiasm, the friends I have there are mostly my former school mates and the only thing we say is hey, howz u? what u up to?…) so we promised to send friend requests to each other.

We walked the kilometer long stretch to the road, I made sure they were safely in the mat, and told them to call when they reached safely. Then took the long road back to my daily life.
Oh, last photo..

Jesus H. Christ

I am in shock, even as I type this, I can hardly believe it is happening.

The unthinkable has happened. My hands are cold, and am literally and figuratilvey shaking as I type this. Barely an hour ago, it happened! No, I did not fall pregnant!

this is far deeper shit than that.

No, it ain’t HIV.

The fucking  lecturer asked me out. How the fuck do I handle this? This is just some fucking bullshit that you read about out there. You never expect it to really happen!

Do I look like I need help getting an A in a fucking Maths paper, u fucking pervert? What did I say to make think you can just fucking ask me out? Fuck! Fuck!

Is it just coz am the class rep so u fucking think am vulnerable? what the fuck is wrong with you? u must be in ur fucking fifties with grandchildren on the fucking way? So u got my fucking number in ur fone, so what? I fucking thought when u called me to ur office u wanted to give me handouts, or revision papers to pass onto the class.

Then when I arrive there at noon, u are there fucking smiling and asking me:

“How are you doing?” how am I doing? what do u fucking care.

“am fine thank you.” blank stare.

“yes, i wanted to ask you, there are some people in ur class who are concerned that the exam paper might contain stuff we have not learnt. they came to my office yesterday…”
so if they fucking came? u can’t say this over the fucking fone? si u could have told them that yesterday
“and?”

“tell them not to worry. am the one setting the paper..”

“okay.”

“eeh..i wanted to ask…nikuulize, si unipeleke lunch…(mumble mumble..)”

i didn’t fucking catch that one. for a man who has to teach a whole class, it is surprising u are fucking barely audible. and why ar u drawing shapes on paper? look me in the eye u shitty motherfucker!

“what?” no sign of surprise here, I had been warned before. I had talked it over with a classmate.

“huendi lunch?..”

“no, am busy.”

“oh, you have a class?”

“yes, and another one at 2 pm to 5”

“what about after?”

“am going home.”

“oh, u live in Nairobi?” what does it fucking matter to you?

“yes.”

“okay, how about next week?”

“next week am studying for exams…”

“u are not free any day?”

“no, there are second CATs to be done…”

“let me go by my schedule then. i’ll call u next week..”

someone knocked on the door then. I was so fucking relieved to see some students come in with some papers.

I have just taken my exit and am fucking wondering what to do. Just go ahead, and give me a fucking supplementary mister. we shall see how this fucking goes down.

I probably did not react as outrageously as I was feeling coz I couldn’t believe what was actually happening. Am I dreaming? No, this is the fucking reality.
How did this fucking happen? What did he see in me? Me and my jeans and big sweatshirts and shoulder bag that is like a part of my outfit? I don’t fucking dress up for class in the first place…

fuck!

Getting off the BT

X has been on the BT for a long time. Of course, long is a relative term here. But I assure you it is long..

So finally, X (not Xs) has burnt her bridges. She assured me she has moved on. It was one weird conversation, trust me. She told me she is on the prowl again, the few potentials around her are not challenging, she is a hunter and likes to chase her prey…so she told me I could put up her requirements on the net, just in case. She is not looking for love over then net, she says that is stupid, really. This is a ‘just-in-case’ situation.

The Do’s and Don’ts of katiaring X.
Don’t:
1. Offer me money. It doesn’t matter at what stage the supposed relationship is, offering me money just sounds like you want to pay for services rendered, or you are expecting something in return ( I hope you get the insinuation.). If I need something, I’ll probably ask for it.

Instead, you want to impress me, fine, get me a gift. I don’t mean something expensive. A good novel will do. Or a CD written by you (read pirated..). Gifts don’t have to be expensive, just thoughtful. Oh, u can foot the bills too 🙂

2. Call me to tell me you want to make love to me
This may be romantic to some people, but to me it doesn’t. I mean, how do you call just to tell me you want to have sex with me? This is not an ‘I’ll make love to you’ situation by Boyz 11 men. What am I supposed to say to that? I want to have sex with you too??

Instead, how about you be more subtle? Like say you were thinking about me..it’s not what you are saying, it is how you say it. So let me hear it in your voice and not your words.

3. Flash me
I don’t know about you, but flashing is as annoying as hell. My small bro is bad enough, he is in high school and it is excusable for him to flash me with ‘private numbers’, or strange numbers. But a whole grown person? If you don’t have credit, don’t call. Otherwise if you have something to say, why not just buy credit and call? This also goes for those who cut off the phone when you are mid-sentence, and it’s not like u’ve been talking for 5 minutes, barely a minute! Besides, it is really disappointing when a guy just can’t hustle to get the credit enough for a 5 minute call, how much does he really want you?

Instead: I do understand credit can be expensive, which is why I do  not expect you to call everyday. So get that credit, then call, or sms..

4.Lie to me
I am not saying you spill you entire family history at the first meeting. Or tell me your ex’s stories either. I mean, don’t lie about stuff like what you do, your name or where you live.

If you don’t want to tell me, just say ‘all in good time’ :-)…..

5. Be so available
Have your own plans. Not all your time should be dedicated to me. In any case if a guy shows too much interest, it tends to put me off. I am a hunter, or so I’d like to think, so if you find you are the one calling 90% of the time, my interest is probably waning off.

When I call you improptu and you have plans, don’t cancel them for me, unless what I want to do is very important. I shouldn’t be the one to come up with the plan for an outing all the time, be creative too.

Applications open to all……as long as u satisfy the conditions above…and u have to be male too.

The birds and the bees


The conversation is awkward. My mum is escorting me to school. I am now in form two and she has noticed me eying the neighbourhood hunks(J), sometimes we hang out in the name of reading. My bro is also there when she starts asking about my strange friendship with boys. She wonders why I can’t be like some girl called Salome, who’s focused on her studies and hasn’t been seen in the vicinity of boys yet she is older than me.

“Where were you yesterday?”

“Studying.”

“You know let me tell you, omong’ina, if a parent does not tell her children the truth about sex..(there, she said the s word!), they will blame her. So let me tell you straight, men will use u, give you babies, hiv, then dump you and move on. Take care of urself….”

Staring at the road that day, I thought I knew all there was to know anyway, so I half-listened.

Up to this day, now that am in campus, my mum never ceases to remind me to take care of myself. Take care means, “men will use u, give u babies, hiv, dump you then move on or kill you. So don’t have sex.” Kill u was added when there was a story in the news about some chick in Maseno campus was murdered by a jealous lover. Every phone call always ends with , “take care.”

The other day she was telling me a story as I passed her salt and all else in the kitchen.
“There is this girl in K.U. , I wonder if u know her (mum! Am not in KU and I cant know everyone in the whole of Kenya) no I don’t.. she was the hope of her family after she was called to KU to go do education. I know that look. Teaching is a good profession you know. Yes I know. Her family is really poor, so they were really pegging on her. What happens? She gets pregnant in her first year. First year? Yes, first year. (I was in first year then..so she pauses and gives me the look) her parents were disappointed but then forgave her, and even withdrew her sister from school…really? Yes. She was in class five to go and baby sit for her while she completed her exams. Then she went to second year. And what happens? (she works hard, graduates and lives happily ever after, am thinking.) She gives birth to twins.” Kwani this chick did not learn her lesson? Twins?
Did I ever mention that Salome the girl my mum wanted me to emulate now has two year old baby? Not forgetting three of my former classmates….

I always wonder how people still get unwanted pregnancies in this era of contraceptives and all manner of technology?

Where is my muse?

Once in a while, I do reach points like this when nothing is forthcoming from my brain. Sentences remain unfinished and I just jot that down as poetry….. so I have decided to write the top 10 songs that take me there as of this moment. this list varies from time to time. I am a versatile listener, as long as a song is good, it doens’t matter which genre..am all ears
1. Forgive me-CNote

2.Linkin Park- Shadow of the day, Leave out all the Rest. Basically, the whole latest album, minutes to midnight

3. Lady in Red– Chris DeBarge: I like this song coz one day I’d like to wear a red dress, black stilletos, go out for a romantic dinner, and dance in his arms to this song.

4.UB-40- I got U babe

5. Morgan Heritage-Am coming home...the part that gets to me is this: “so many times when am so far away, thoughts of u carry me through my day, it’s not easy for a man to live this way, but i do and that’s why i try…but when i come home…”.

6. Only a woman can love u so much... Michael Bolton

7.I remember-Keysha Cole

8. So Cold– Crossfade

9.i am a simple girl i dream about loving u..u’ll be mine someday– Carol Atemi. I must say i was a bit apprehensive about listening to afro fusion but her songs turned out to be nice. form the new album Hatimaye. i have a copy though its not genuine(have i ever had one in this ear of cd-writing?), so i have no idea the exact title of the songs, but that is a line from the chorus of my best song in the album

10.Lollipop-Lil wayne- ignoring the meaning of the song, it is quite creative, methinks.

Surviving Life as a boarder (part 4)

Furahi day. Frustrations of the week include the 3 hours you spent doing an experiment in which you blew up two diodes ( smoke rising, could have thought we were blowing up the lab..) which turned out to be wrong so you have to repeat the experiment. Three hours of wires and connections and electricity…. Or this could be a CAT that twoxed you. To twox, I learnt, is to have sex. But when a CAT has sexed you, it means u are likely to get 7/40 while everyone else is getting more than 30. others say it is like having your mind raped, in the academic context, of course.

But I must admit I twoxed this CAT. This is probably one of the few CATs that I have managed to complelely twox. (am loving this term twox..)

Close up look


Going out to rave can be both exciting and tiring. Generally speaking, I prefer not to dress up. I like to think if am meeting anyone special it should not be at a rave. I have pals who really dress up though. I must say it is a really thin line between trashy and classy. Accepting drinks from strangers who are obviously the MBA type (Married but available) is no good because the drinks come attached with strings and wires. One minute they are buying you a drink, the next they have their hands all over you…

Everyone agrees that Alvaro is quite the ultimate mixer..

sugary….fruity…

For those who do not like the taste of alcohol but still want to get high, alvaro is perfect coz it is sugary so it masks the taste of vodowski. And for those who like to pretend they are teetotalling, pouring alvaro in a glass makes u feel better coz at least it is not orange (fanta…) plus there is no way u can pretend coke is Guiness.

Despite promises to stay sober, as the night wears on and everyone else is drunk and having fun in that state, u are tempted too. So if u plan to abstain from fire power, don’t go out in the first place.

Of course if you can, leave your fone behind. Countless fones have gotten lost or pick pocketed. Also, do not carry a handbag, cause who shall be taking care of it the whole night? It cant be comfortable dancing with a thermometer (those small handbags) in your armpit. It can also be tricky answering phone calls, coz your dad might call and you pick up with like “Hi sweetie..” not remembering there is someone nicknamed daddy in ur fone book who is not ur father. It can be hard explaining this one.

Reminds me of this story (true story, I was there) about this guy who did not like talking to his dad. So everytime he calls, he just picks the fone and whispers “ am in class.” Then one day the dad called him on a Sunday, so as usual he was like “ am in class…”|. The dad wondered how come and it’s a Sunday. He whispered back, “Oh, am in church”. A quick thinker, that one. The best lines include those of I was in the library or in church so couldn’t pick up the phone.

Saturday early in the morning, you are preparing to disperse from the entertainment joints before they throw you out. Driving back in the night can be dangerous coz the driver of the moti might be seeing illusions of roads where there are none, or think he’s flying so he’s doing more than 100km per hour (Do not drink and drive, smoke weed and fly.). You don’t want to die young, not if u can help it. Taxis are also expensive. Early morning mats are the option.

You could decide to go home, but then, it will be those ones of “ask me no questions and I shall tell u no lies” to the people u find there. If u are lucky like me and are likely to find no one at home coz people have gone to church and the key has been left under the usual “stone”, u can let urself in and have beauty sleep. Explanations for sleeping during the day include a kesha (overnight prayers) or trans-nighting reading for a CAT, and as long as ur results can attest to this, you have nothing to worry about.

If you meet your paroz at home, you will be hard pressed to explain your disheveled look, the red eyes, the faint or not so faint whiff of smoke and alcohol, plus you are carrying no bag. At least if u are a guy, u can get away with it, coz guys don’t generally carry anything home when they go over the weekend. So it is just better u head to school to catch up on your sleep.

However, I prefer to hang out with my pals at home (could be anywhere but a club), instead of pretending to have fun in a place teeming with teenagers, bad music, drunkards and no dance floor to speak of. At least where you are hanging out, you can dance badly to the hit song, “Am not sober odiero, am not so sober….” Then there is this line that takes it all… “..Watoto wangu…wafanye sopping-shopping…” so we always sing the chorus part.. “wafanye sopping…” You can then try out pole dancing, stripping and all kind of stuff that u do when high, puke when u wake up….and don’t feel bad coz u are just with ur friends and not out there where anybody could get the wrong impression.