He finally called.
Am sure you are wondering who. Pay keen attention. He’s the boy I used to like at the beginning of the semester. There was a week a literally lived by the phone…and was on walking on air. Does it remind you of those posts? The ones called Just Maybe..episode 1 to 3.
Being a big girl in a big bad campus, I decided to let him go. Life’s like that, I figured. Win some, lose some. That means I was not going to call him anymore. I more than gave him space. Anyway, I had given up on the waiting (he said he needed to sort himself up), and had, in relationship terms, moved on.
It’s been a month or more. We meet at the paths occasionally and say hi. Until yesterday.
The lights had gone off as usual..and I had spent the evening watching two movies..figured an early night (read midnight) would do me good. No sooner had I entered bed half-changed ( I did not fancy rummaging through my wardrobe/locker in search of my night clothes), than the phone rang.
“ Hi..it’s me.”
“ I need to talk to you, am outside your hall. Can you come downstairs?”
“Um..right now? Can’t it wait…am already in bed.” Notice how I wouldn’t have slept that week till he had called.
“ I really need to talk.”
“ Ok..sawa just a minute.”
Pulling on a sweatshirt… I met him downstairs just at the entrance.
“ I forgot most people sleep early..” he began.
“ Yeah..it’s not like you guys who stay awake up to 4 a.m. and past… how’ve you been?”
“ Fine. And you?”
Small talk. This and that..graduation coming up. He suggested we go for the infamous j-circuit. You know, the night walk where guys take long walks at night to sort out issues, meditate etc… How I wished he had asked me this earlier…
Finally, the talk.
“I want you to give us another chance.”
“What do you mean us?” Dumb questions get asked all the time.
“I mean…first of all, am sorry I lengad you like the entire semester.”
“No, it’s ok. What made you change your mind?”
“I told you I was sorting myself out. Kinda like finding myself…”
“I know what you mean. For me, am lost everyday. It’s a daily search to find myself.”
“Anyway, I want another chance, so what do you think?”
“Well..a whole semester is kinda long. I wish you had said this earlier.”
“Does that mean no?”
“Yes. Actually…am over you. Am sorry but it’s the truth. Sometimes it’s not what you say but what you don’t say. Silence for that long…” Where do these words that sound like lines in a movie come from?
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. You see, am not one of those people who agonize over decisions. If I mean yes, I tell you. If I mean no, I say it. And once my mind is made up, it’s hard to change.”
We had by now reached someplace where we could sit down. He took my hand, and I turned and asked..
“What could we have? Suppose we are to have another chance.”
“I don’t know…we could start small, hang out, go to places…”
“I think you were just a little too late. Wish this had been said earlier, but then you were finding yourself.”
“Yeah..and now I know what I want…” a little silence.
The security van passes by and flashes headlights menacingly at us. The security guys have been known to harass students before. But this time they are content with driving by at 1km/hr. we smile at their ‘scary’ antics.
“Is it another guy?” He asked.
“Actually no, I like being single…doing my thing, you know. What about you, met any other girls?”
“No. You really thought I had forgotten you all this time?”
“What was I supposed to think, you didn’t call…”
“I told you it wasn’t such a good time for me.”
“Maybe I should learn to be more patient. I should have waited. Anyway, I think you will find another girl..”
“I wish you wouldn’t say that.”
The security guys have disappeared over the corner.
“Are you afraid?”
“Me? No? I’m not afraid of the dark, or challenges….afraid of what?”
“Afraid that I’ll make you change your mind?”
“No. Am not.”
“You won’t give me a chance to try?”
“No. This is pretty much it.”
“So we should be going? Sorry to get you out of bed.”
“No, it’s all right. It’s still early..kinda”
“Well, if you change your mind, give me a call. I’ll be waiting.”
“Sure. Though I doubt I’ll change it but just in case, I’ll call…”
We take the walk back. I can feel it’s been a rather disappointing night for him but am sure he’ll get over it. Well, I think he will. However, am afraid anything I say now might just come out wrong, so we walk on in silence.
“Okay, can I try something?” He asks me.
“Just one last thing.”
“Yes..No!” I said quickly when I realized what he wanted to try out. The last kiss, but I said no.
We said goodnight.
And that was it.
Now I sit here in this cold room taking a break from my studies. I know he is probably upstairs in the studio right now. Just one flight of stairs, and that’s it. Am beginning to wonder if I made a mistake, the what ifs are killing me.