A Complete Guide to Kenyan Women

I got this from FB. You’re going to love it!

So the original author of this article is @TheBahati, whom I want to thank for letting me keep this post up.

Some of the stuff may not sit well with some people because it may be adversely mentioning them. I advise you dont read the nonsense if you are sensitive:). We hope somebody soon crafts a foolproof guide to Kenyan men soon

Foolproof guide to Kenyan women. Enjoy…!?

1) Alice the Alcoholic.

Most of her facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted,got wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday. Proudly says how she has a whisky ( this lot have long ago graduated to serious drinks not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys her own drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.

Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend…nil.

2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.

At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this counrty, there is a bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ‘ bastard’ and has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like a geisha. Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how Kenyan men are too insecure they cant date a single mum.

Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.

3) Cathy the Cougar

She may be a jeisty Karen wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Nyeri, but increasingly Kenya’s dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old women with money to burn on young men. Dont be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You arent allowed to shag anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells you to meet her…you move your fecking A$ chap chap.

Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her.

Your bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.

If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good luck having any respect in society.

4) Dorothy the Divorcee

Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market earnestly trying to show him up. Prefers more mature and working men. Your future prospects depend on how much one man’s trash can really be another man’s treasure.

5) Emma Evil

Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes. Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldnt be surprised if you found a human skull and occult paraphanelia in her wardrobe.

6) Fifi the Freak

She certainly is very…ahem…popular. Goes home with a different guy every friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with.

Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you dont mind getting rashes in personal places.

7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.

Every sentence has one of these words. ” church, pastor, bible, salvation,sin, holy, no.” She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, bible in her handbag, who wont meet you in a bar coz its a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night and carries annointing oil with her.

Unless you are actually a committed christian man looking for a wife, stay away from her or risk being struck by lightening.

8) Harriet the Hustler

We all know atleast one chick like this. She is always on her phone, talking in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, kukus or farm produce. Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to an eigth in rongai. Just give her five minutes and some airtime.

Annoying as girlfriends this lot make better wives, as long as you know that while cheating is forgiveable, losing her money is not.

9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.

Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and musicians. Now in her late 20s/ early 30s she is turning a new leaf and is looking for a husband. She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former identity doesnt get discovered, joined a conservative church and is practicing secondary virginity.

We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding man…date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the hills when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.

10) Jane the Joker

28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didnt finish University, is always doing some wierd short courses. Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always bethere to provide.

Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesnt cook, clean or talk to poor people.

11) Kate from Karen

Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within ‘her social class’. Prefers twitter to facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected your friend request ” coz we just work together, i mean, its not like we are friends friends. But we can still do email.” Your car must be german, clothes itallian and she will not show up if the restaurant isnt japanese or turkish. Has never been east of moi avenue. Holidays in Bali while you holiday in Nyali.

Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so long as its a lot of new money.

12) Laura Loud-Mouth

Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. Everything and aything you tell her will soon be public knowledge. Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would date her let alone marry her.Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and conversation. Is a pathological liar.

13) Moody Molly

One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies the next she is a tsunami of anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instictively move back slightly if she has a knife, even if its a bread knife in a restaurant.

14) Nelly the clingy Nag

She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to work okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice before lunch, She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying petnames. Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you cant see her.

15) Sally Shagzmodo

‘Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.’ Hotter than a somalia summer you try and ignore the mother tongue interference, accent and wierd perfume. You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that she wont ask the maitre d if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti with her meatballs.

16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True

She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of humour. She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her and ever since you met her your life has been perfect.Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her past,she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great wife and mother.

Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol sonewhere in karura forest.

17) Vivian the Virgin

After being in C.U. all thru high school and university, Vivian has decided she now wants to taste the forbiden fruit. But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents and started brideprice negotiations.

She talks about marriage on the first date.

18) Wendy the Wannabe

Wendy name drops, has fb pictures of her with famous people and is constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening. Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive,where you live and where you work. If you answer you dont have a car, live in eastlands and are tarmacking she will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.

19) Yasmin

Yasmin is a muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over to your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No pun intended. Okay, pun intended. She wont be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on your A$.

Marrying her means changing religions.

20) Zipporah Manzi wa Mtaa

Listens exclusively to genge, knows every matatu on their home route down to the specifications of the music system. When you suggest watching Karate Kid at the cinema she tells you not to waste 2k, you can get a dvd of it for 50 bob, buy some nyama and napoleon brandy and watch it at home.

You dont know whether to be happy or sad

Just Maybe II

It’s been a week and a half. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. One minute you feel like you can’t live without someone, the next they have slipped out your mind.

Perhaps I should start at the beginning. The said day previously being a Tuesday, we hang out and talked a while. Then he had to go back finish his work, he is in one of those courses where they stay up till early in the morning (She can tell you about it.) I retired to bed with a smile…

WednesdayGoing about my day as usual, and he texts sometime in the day asking if am in the room. Except I get the text much later (damn…I need to put one of those screaming text alerts), and calling finds him in the studio. He says he’ll break at midnight to come say goodnight. I say I’d be asleep by then. He says he’ll call to see if I’ll be asleep. Okay, so I lied, I stayed up. We took a short walk. I let him go back to his work. I can feel the chemistry in the hug.

ThursdaySort of busy day, and waiting for phone call at night. I don’t want to divulge TMI to you, my readers, so let’s just say the day went almost the same as Wednesday. His marking (lecturer checking up on his work) is tomorrow and he will not be sleeping tonight.

FridayHe has to go home, so any plans imagined will just have to wait. But am free in the afternoon and he is free too. We spend time talking among many other things. It’s hard letting go…it’s those ones of “I wish we could stay like this forever..” only it is in my mind, don’t want to scare him away. Then we have the talk, and I can literally feel it going wrong. An excerpt from the conversation goes like:

“I don’t know… am not a commitment guy.”

“Okay…but I don’t think friends with benefits will work.”

“How long have we known each other, a week..”

“Yeah, that’s too short. Maybe we should give ourselves more time…we should have this talk another time.”

“No, it’s good to talk in the beginning.”

It was circular talk after that. And yes, it’s only been a week, though we’ve been seeing each other around the campus before then. He leaves for home, I stick around campus waiting for Sunday night, when he will return. He promises to give me a call the moment he steps in campus. It’s Tuesday and still no call.

I should be sad, I should be anxious, I should be mopping around (at least on the inside), but sadly, am not. I knew it was too good to be true. Right now, I feel, it’s hard to describe what I feel but it is not the heady rush of last week. I am thinking rationally, and I know it will not be the end of the world if he does not call, and frankly, am realizing I don’t care. Or that is what am trying to convince myself.

How come one week you feel like you can’t live without someone, the next they have slipped out your mind?

I wonder what will happen next..