The Chips Funga Phenomenon

Makmende doesn’t chips funga; he eats at the counter.

That was one of my best lines during the Makmende craze. If you are a Kenyan and haven’t heard of chips funga; then you are a gone case. Not the chips funga, but chips funga. Let me try and elaborate.

To chips funga comes from the words: chips takeaway. You know when you go to a fast food, and you don’t want to eat there and then, so you ask for takeaway to go eat at home. In Kiswahile/Sheng, chips funga. So to chips funga means, in simple terms, to take someone home for the night. Quite possibly a stranger, and no, not to give them shelter, but to have ‘hot’ random sex and then walk away.

I know some friends of mine who have been chipoed (chipoed is the past participle of ‘to chips’), and they know that the person taking them home is only interested in the one night stand and that’s it. You only exchange numbers if the sex was good and you want to do a repeat. No emotions are supposed to be involved.

Most people are chipoed at the club. I mean, no one in their right senses will take a stranger home unless their inhibitions are lowered by liberal amounts of alcohol and a twinge of loneliness (I think.) Some chips funga their friends/acquitances, some total strangers they just met. Chipoing a stranger is dangerous business, though have been warned. They could be Onyanchas in the making. (Google him, or click on that link and don’t ask me questions 😉 )

Chipoes (those who have been chipoed) are not supposed to sleep over…but if they do, they should not expect breakfast in bed. In fact, when the one who fungad them wakes up, they should have left. However, there are special cases of chips funga: (Thanks to @switcheeks for some of these categories!)

Regular: this is your fallback, friend with benefits guy/girl. If you aren’t lucky that night..you’ll call them and you be sure to get some. Sometimes they can come over for the weekend, and on Sunday evening, you’ll be ‘giving them a push’ to the stage so they can take the bus home.

Corporate funga: this is chips funga that occurs during the weekday.

Sausage/kebab funga: this is when guy is the one being chipoed. *symbolism in sausage/kebab? which symbolism?*

Chips funga is closely related to the walk of shame; the morning after when you- the chipo- is leaving with yesterday’s clothes hoping you don’t meet anyone who saw you in the same clothes. This can be avoided by carrying one of those big bags that contain everything: including a change of clothes. Switcheeks called them Chips Funga bags/ Fornication bags.

The fornication bag

Have you ever been chipoed? Would you rather eat at the counter? (Whatever this may mean.)

P.S. This was added later. I was corrected that Chips Funga can occur even in sober situations. What? People got to eat too…even if they don’t drink! Read the comment by Shiko_Msa

Hall six

Many times I have written about it but I have never really dedicated a whole post to it. Never has anything deserved it more. Hall six is the Nakumatt of the campus: you need it, they’ve certainly got it. From electronics, to books, movies, legal intoxicants, illegal intoxicants, sex, a loan perhaps, and yeah, they got great cooks; who, when not short circuiting the electricity or causing accidental fires, cook delicious meals.

You cannot therefore, blame all the chicks that have taken to camping there. Damn, I should get me a Hall Six guy. Just a random thought. Anyway, I’ve heard of guys who wake up in the morning and wonder when theirs became a girl’s hostel. The number of ladies walking about in towels is quite large.

Of course it’s against the university rules to cohabit in the hostels, but who follows rules, right? This is a public university after all. We throw stones when we are opposed to anything. Back to the rules: you shall not do any business in the Halls of Residence, neither shall you cook, nor harbor visitors (nor play loud music) between 10pm and 10am. When I was a freshman, the rules were part of the bulky welcome to campus envelope and nothing more.
Now someone is trying to enforce them, and business has all but come to a standstill in the hostels. There were enterprising people selling Bamba 20’s, doing photocopies at odd hours of the night etc. and if you have to cook, you do it in secret. Sleepovers though, have remained. Till recently.

There is a guy who has an official letter CCed to the Dean of Students, the DVC, his parents (most likely) and the student counselor. It explains his expulsion from the Halls of Residence for cohabiting with a named cohabitee in Hall Six. He is to attend a month of counseling. Picture the sessions:

Counsellor: Hm…tell me about yourself.

Cohabiter: (Looks on in stony silence.)

Counsellor: Seems to me you have a problem. Tell me, what is disturbing you? Do your parents fight a lot? Do you feel the need to take drugs to numb your pain?

Cohabiter: Drugs? Am here for cohabiting.

Counsellor: Oh…(she adjusts her glasses, looks at the sheet again). What’s your name? Mark…okay, Mark. Seems to me you have a problem. Tell me, what is disturbing you? Do your parents fight a lot? Do you feel the need to cohabit to numb your pain?

And it shall go on for a month. But really? Counseling for cohabiting? It’s not like he was doing drugs or he was depressed. Only thing they were doing is each other and keeping warm in these cold times.

I rue the passing of the years that has brought rule-enforces on board. Hall six will never be the same again if this happens.

This is a big hostel that you would get lost in in your first year of trying to find your way around. It’s got a life of its own, and I’d hate for its character to be killed just like that.